BENEATH…

This prompt if very timely because people are asking and are anxious to know.
Sometimes, they have already thrown their conclusions before asking me even.
But I do understand because I have several times asked the same question to myself.

WHY Jana?
(Brace yourselves)

J:Because I didn’t trust the Lord.
(Now you can tell yourselves you were right all this time)

Are you SUPERWOMAN?

J: No. I probably felt like I was and thought that I am but I was wrong. I was working because I love what I did with Child Sponsorship and I took the job because I was thinking it would help me study. Turns out I didn’t have time to study because did I also tell you that I am serving at our local church as the pastor? Now that’s tricky because the people around me would tell me I am overstretched and so I had been thinking for a long time which one of the three hats should I let go. Work? School? Church? And I would say they all go together. I know I was trying to justify myself, And I get angry with people telling me that if God really willed me to study, He will provide for what I need- that I don’t have to work or anything. And so I would answer back: haller? this is the provision! I also get mad when I hear people from the church saying I am only studying because I got bored, and little did they know I was studying because the goal was to be ordained so I answered them back and told them it is for the ministry- but here’s the catch, how in the world would that possibly happen if I am always struggling with school because I didn’t have enough time? Now I hate quitting and and that’s where I found myself a week ago, not wanting to quit any of the three because that is not right. I still told myself “get up. You can do it. I know you can.” Maybe I can if I didn’t have other things like: social life, the dance group, solitude, sleep, chillax. Then I would have enough time for work, the church, and studies. Then I can die.

What’s next?

J: The Lord has never failed me even one second of my life. So I am laying down everything at His feet and would let Him lead because I can trust Him. When I thought I was letting Him drive my life, I was wrong because I was still the one who ruled. Now I look at myself and see that everything I have now was all God’s grace for I surely don’t deserve it. As I have withdrawn, I don’t necessarily have the wholeness to face everything again, but it’s a good sign of brokenness; for God will surely hold me together. I still remember the call- and that’s where I fix my eyes on. I am not sure what the future has for me, but I am sure Yahweh will be there, and will be there to help me every step of the way.

Truth Thursdays are back! Trust the Mess + Grace